It’s almost time for the start of the English Premier League. At this time last year, I was recruited by a friend to help her select a team to cheer for. She is now happily a fan of one of the teams below.
Now, like that annoying married person who’s had one success fixing up a single friend, I am (wrongly) drunk on success and giddy for more. That means I want to match you to one of the teams below. Kickoff for the next season is Friday, August 11 at 3pm Eastern time, so you’d best get to reading.
If you have actual in-depth knowledge of the sport, this guide will be of no use to you. But then, if you’re that person, you should have picked a team by now. What are you waiting for?
This guide is best put to use by people who are trying to be interested — just dipping their toe in the water. It would also be helpful to those who find amusement in funny mascots.
We love watching EPL partly because it sets a restful tone for the weekend. It’s a nice rhythm to Saturday to brew a hot drink and settle in on the couch in your PJs before the day starts in earnest. However, if you’re a churchgoer, the schedule will be endlessly frustrating to you on Sunday mornings. Proceed with caution!
Newcastle
Upside: Newcastle came on strong in the second half of the season last year and finished in fourth. They were the little team that could. They don’t have any superstars to name (though they have many excellent players), but they were hard to beat.
Downside: Black and white stripes…meh. Their back line (defenders) might be a little weak.
Notable Players: Kieran Trippier, Miguel Almiron (Paraguay), Callum Wilson (ENG)
Liverpool
Liverpool is a powerhouse, both in talent and fan culture. The northwestern city is proudly blue-collar and distinct from the rest of England. The club was founded by people who were priced out of the top tier of football.
Upside: Their current manager is a delight: fiery German Jurgen Klopp. Screams when he’s mad at the refs; hugs everyone when it’s over. He’s terribly hard to dislike (I’ve tried).
Downside: That thing that makes the Boston Red Sox unlikeable? Kind of a little-brother attitude even though they’ve been successful? That’s what Liverpool feels like. Some people would view this as an upside.
Notable Players: Egyptian Mo Salah, their striker, is amongst the most dangerous scorers in the sport.
Manchester City
I root for Man City largely because my first encounter with Premiere League soccer was the Amazon documentary All or Nothing, focusing on the Man City 2017-18 season. Players like Vincent Kompany and Sergio Aguero (both now retired) won my heart.
Upside: Their manager, Pep Guardiola. He is from Spain, and before he was at City, he coached what many regard to be the best team in history, Barcelona (2008-2012). Pep is slightly crazy in the way that you want your manager or coach to be. Obsessed, intense, passionate — and he’s funny with the press.
Downside: If you choose Man City as your team, longtime Premiere League fans will roll their eyes at you and accuse you of being an unthinking bandwagon fan. This is because Man City has been fairly dominant lately. But I think this means you just arrived at the right time. Welcome! There is room for you here. Also, there is the unfortunate “oil money” association that comes with being a City fan. You know all the talk of morality and business dealings that has been going on in the PGA this year? The conversation is years-old in the soccer community.
Notable Players: Everyone. Seriously, this team is deep. Kevin DeBruyne, the Belgian midfielder, merits a mention here, though. The way he passes is a thing of beauty. City just picked up Erling Haaland, who’s brash and young and doesn’t know enough to hedge his bets, so he just keeps scoring goals.
Manchester United
United is the New York Yankees of the Premiere League. They dominated the competition in the 90s and 2000s under their legendary manager, Sir Alex Ferguson. Thus, everyone outside the fanbase feels about United the way they do about the Yankees here in America: anyone but them. They are actually owned by the Glazer family, owners of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The fanbase largely hates the Glazers and wishes they would sell. If you spot yellow and green fans in the stands during United matches, that’s an indication that they are anti-Glazer fans.
Upside: An unrivaled legacy of success. A stake in the most hotly-contested Derbys of the year: the Manchester Derby (City vs United, played twice each season, once at each ground). Their new manager is straight as an arrow and doesn’t put up with foolishness (he benched Christiano Ronaldo, one of the best to ever play).
Downside: Just, blergh. Do you really want to root for the Yankees of English football?
Notable Players: I love Marcus Rashford and Jadon Sancho, both young English players just coming into their own. Rashford received an OBE for working to keep poor kids fed during the pandemic.
Brentford
Brentford was promoted just recently, in 2021. They have done very well in holding their spot in the top tier.
Upside: Their manager, Thomas Frank, is incredibly likable and enjoys what he does. He’s easy to root for. If mascots are important to you, Brentford is the BEES, which is adorable. They’re fun to watch in that they are on the small side but work really well together.
Downside: The squad is a bit young and inexperienced. They recently lost their star striker, Ivan Toney, because he was betting on his matches.
Notable Players: Ben Mee, Bryan Mbeumo, and midfielder Yoane Wissa; Josh Dasilva is another good midfielder.
Chelsea
Chelsea is one of the bigger London clubs, with a long history and a loyal fanbase. They were a force in the 2000s and have continued to compete. They recently went through a tough time with their ownership; they were owned by a Russian oligarch, who sold them when the war in Ukraine began. This brought about many financial challenges for the team. Eventually, they were bought by Todd Boehly, who owns the LA Dodgers. He is ridiculously out of place in the stands because he looks like he is from California because he is from California.
Upside: Their new manager, Mauricio Pochettino. He is fantastic. I hope the ownership is patient enough to let him have an influence.
Downside: Chelsea seems to be always flirting with dominance but hasn’t zeroed in recently. They go on winning streaks and then go into a tailspin. It has caused much angst for my son, Jonathan, who cheers for them.
Notable Players: I’m a big fan of Reece James, who plays right back (his sister plays for Chelsea Women). Raheem Sterling seems to finally be hitting his stride with Chelsea (maybe?).
Tottenham Hotspur (Spurs)
Spurs is where you will find Harry Kane, captain of the England team, tied for all-time scorer for England. This is one of the most dominant Premier League teams, usually expected to finish top-four or at least top-six. Anything lower than that is viewed as a failure.
Upside: They have a beautiful new stadium. It’s stunning. If kits (uniforms) are important to you, I think they have some of the best. Plus they win a lot!
Downside: You’re never really sure they’re going to win.
Notable Players: Kane, as I mentioned above. In the World Cup, Kane had to take penalty kicks against his teammate, Spurs keeper Hugo Lloris. Also with Tottenham is Son Heung-min, who is a dangerous scorer at times.
Wolverhampton Wanderers (Wolves)
Wolves are my husband’s chosen squad, having been influenced by some English friends who hail from the area.
Upside: They are called the “Wanderers” in tribute to older teams who didn’t have a stadium for a while. They “wandered” to different locations for home matches. In general, Wolves have a “down-on-our-luck” kind of feel. It’s sort of a Chicago Cubs flavor, which, come to think of it, is maybe why my Cubs fan husband felt comfortable here.
Downside: They flirted with relegation last year. They finished 13th, but it wasn’t comfortable.
Notable Players: Fabio Silva (Portugal). Also, their attacker Adama Traore is hilariously out of place on the pitch, since he looks more like an American football player. Apparently, he once claimed that he only does “bodyweight exercises.” Look him up and you be the judge.
Brighton Hove-Albion
Brighton is a seaside city to the south, and their team is another “no superstars, just a great team” kind of pick. They lost their (great) manager last year after a successful start, but they eventually recovered from a slide and wound up fifth.
Upside: Fans of sophomoric humor will enjoy the seagull poop arrangement of the stadium (it has since been remedied). More seriously, this is just an eminently likable set of players who work together well, especially in the midfield and backfield.
Downside: Their lack of a star striker is making scoring difficult, but maybe this will change this season.
Notable Players: Lewis Dunk, the tall defender, is usually the captain. Brighton just picked up James Milner, who was with Liverpool until now. James Milner has the unique position of being the Premiere League player I think who looks most likely to get into a barfight.
Arsenal
Arsenal is an older London team with a young manager and an even younger squad. They dominated for most of last season before injuries took them down. They finished a tight second behind City. I find it easy to root for them when they’re not playing against my team.
Upside: They have some really fun lingo. They are the “Gunners,” pronounced (and sometimes spelled) “Gooners.” London teams always get lots of attention. Mikel Arteta, the manager, is intense but very funny, like his mentor Pep Guardiola.
Downside: We’re having trouble coming up with one.
Notable Players: So many! This team is very deep. You have Eddie Nketiah, Bukayo Saka, Martin Odegaard, and the USA’s own Folarin Balogun.
Nottingham Forest
Upside: I mean really. Can you think of a more charming name for a team?! Their mascot is a TREE. A TREE! Plus, Robin Hood and all that jazz! These guys were promoted last year and they ended up doing really well.
Downside: Their defense is weak.
Notable Players: Brennan Johnson from Wales; Nigerian Taiwo Awoniyi and New Zealander Chris Wood are both leading scorers.
Luton Town
Upside: If you weren’t sold on the tree thing with Forest, this team is called “the Hatters.” THE HATTERS — like, the people who make hats. This team plays in a tiny little stadium in a neighborhood, and they had to do some construction to be able to host matches for the top-tier teams. If you want the underdogs, here they are.
Downside: Teams that are recently promoted, like this one, are the most likely to get sent back down. It’s just statistics.
Notable Players: One of their midfielders is named “Marvelous.” Elijah Adebayo is one of their best scorers. I can’t help you with others because they seemingly came out of nowhere.
Burnley
Upside: Burnley is returning to the PL after two years out of it. Their manager, Vincent Kompany, used to play for Pep at City. He is a brand-new manager but he seems to have the hang of things already. He’s easy to cheer for.
Downside: Again, always a danger picking up a newly-promoted team, but maybe you want to roll the dice here since the squad has been there before.
Notable Players: Wout Weghorst scored the equalizer in that Netherlands World Cup match that went on forever (maybe you were watching?).
Alright, I can’t say more words here. I am no doubt going to be criticized for misrepresenting or leaving off someone’s favorite, to which I must answer, “What did you expect?! I am not good at this, but I am having fun.”
Kelly Keller 
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